We use cookies to make your experience better. To comply with the new e-Privacy directive, we need to ask for your consent to set the cookies. Learn more.
Lessons from Loss
Baby Loss Awareness Week takes place 9th - 15th October and is an opportunity for the bereaved to unite with others across the world to commemorate their babies’ lives. In this extract from Still Standing, Tola Doll Fisher reflects on the feelings she experienced after losing her daughter Annie.
LESSON 57
‘You can’t sit with us’
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
—2 Corinthians 1.3–4 (NLT)
I used to get annoyed with people who told me they knew how I felt losing Annie because they had experienced a miscarriage. I’m ashamed to admit this now, but I felt my loss superseded a miscarriage since Annie was born alive. But I’ve since realized that these distinct differences still land us in the same pool. There is a huge group of people whose loss is rarely considered, often because people tend not to acknowledge (or be aware of) people’s miscarriages or because people often go on to have other children so they are presumed to have ‘gotten over’ an earlier baby loss. This is why we each know little of how the other is suffering, often in silence, because the lack of freedom to share can often keep us in our own private hell. The book of 2 Corinthians is Paul’s second letter to this particular group of people, and some discord among them meant he had to try and rally them together and remind them they were all on the same side. In reading this, I was reminded of the truth in the words in this scripture, ‘He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.’ When I publicly shared our loss, both friends and strangers poured out their hearts with their own silent grief, and two close friends told me recently that it wasn’t until they experienced their own baby loss that they had a glimpse of my pain.
This oft-quoted Mean Girls phrase, ‘You can’t sit with us’, is about everyone else being excluded from a clique requiring a certain je ne sais quoi to be eligible. With baby loss, you’re part of a ‘clique’ that you never asked nor wanted to join. But there is comfort in that glimpse of understanding how the other feels. My relationships with those two friends got much better once they understood and forgave the seemingly erratic behaviour I had portrayed in the wake of Annie’s death. They understood why I couldn’t go to baby showers or why I sometimes cried when people told me they were pregnant. Being further along in the journey meant I was able to offer support in a different way because while I was no longer in active mourning, I had experienced the stages they were going through. If you’re in a position where you ‘can’t sit with us’, I hope you don’t feel shut out. It can be hard being a friend to someone going through this, and in my experience the best thing you can do is just be sincere. If you feel you can support, great! If not, that’s ok too; just being honest with your friend will help you both understand where you’re coming from.
What do you do when life hasn’t turned out the way you expected?
When it feels like everyone else has it together but you’re still figuring it out?
And if God is meant to be your guide, why do you feel so lost?
Tola Doll Fisher has asked these questions countless times and still doesn’t have the answers. But as she explains in this series of 100 ‘life lessons’ maybe that’s okay…
Refreshingly relatable and heartbreakingly honest, this is a book about discovering joy in the journey of a messy, work-in-progress walk of (sometimes failing, but still standing) faith.
Related Posts
-
Pink and Blue - Baby Loss Awareness Week 2018
Loss is painful, lonely, and can cause deeper grief than we ever imagine.
Jane Clamp has worked tirelessly to open the conversation surrounding baby loss. It’s hard to talk about. That’s why it needs to be spoken about. -
Wave of Light - Baby Loss Awareness Week
-
Lesson 90: Be Nice
Tola Doll Fisher reflects on Ephesians 4.31, and how it can be used to remind us to not engage in behaviour that can negatively impact another's mental health. This extract from her book Still Standing is Lesson 90: Be Nice.
