What Not To Say When Someone Has Experienced A Miscarriage

October 10, 2018 Snehal Chavan

It's World Mental Health Day today.

The loss of a baby can cause unimaginable pain and grief. 

We might think we can understand what someone else is going through, but we don’t know. 

Jane Clamp considers what to say and what not to say when someone has lost a baby in early pregnancy.

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We’ve all been there. Someone we know has gone through some difficult times and, when we meet them, both parties feel the awkwardness. There is palpable tension. Silence doesn’t seem the better option so we open our mouths to speak.

Now, if we get this bit right, she is going to leave us feeling supported, understood, basically better all round. We both know that words won’t change the circumstances but they can build a connection and take away feelings of isolation. However, what we absolutely have to understand is that, if we choose the wrong words, it’s not a question of, “Oh well, I tried” or, “I meant well, it’s just that she’s so sensitive right now.” Those wrong words can bring harm as well as hurt and, quite frankly, she is already in enough pain.

Never say…

“Don’t worry, you can have another one.”

She hasn’t spilled her tea over the floor in the café or dropped her chocolate bar in the mud. Her baby just died. She doesn’t want ‘another one’. With all her heart, every cell of her being, she wants the one she had. Just because you never saw it doesn’t mean she didn’t feel it. Her baby was real and is irreplaceable. If she is able to conceive again, the new creation will still never replace the one lost.

“It’s nature’s way.”

Way of what, exactly? It’s true that some embryos are not going to make it; a defect might threaten survival. On an intellectual level we agree that this can and does happen. However, in what way does it comfort the grieving mother? Her heart is so big, her optimism so high that she knows that – whatever the sacrifice – she would have loved that little one because of his imperfections and not just despite them.

“God knows best.”

Again, I cannot disagree with the theology, but as a word of comfort? She has been praying night and day for her child to survive. She has had the faith for a miracle. She has quoted the scriptures. Are you telling her that it was best that her child died? Best for whom? Be careful…

“Calm down. You know you’ll find it easier to fall pregnant again if you relax.”

A word of warning: this particular statement often results in a punch on the nose. And rightly so. This may well be the worst experience of her life. She has a right to feel angry and uptight while she processes its horror.

Instead, please, please say…

“I may not have the words, but my heart goes out to you.”

“Here’s my number. Ring me day or night and I’ll listen.”

“Is there anything you need? Anything at all?”

“Can I mind your child while you grab some ‘me time’?”

“Can I give you a hug?”

“Do you need another tissue?”

And to close, remember the wisdom of Ronan Keating: 'You [may] say it best when you say nothing at all.'